R.I.P Lauren Grahame (28.12.95)

As you can guess, the title explains it all. Today is not the best day in the world for me or the family. After the joys of Christmas, a dark cloud descends over our house because we lost our sister/daughter back in 1995. She's always in my mind and I wonder what life would have been like if she was with us. Today I wish my dearest sister Lauren Grahame a Happy 19th Birthday.

I would have had 2 younger sisters in my family but instead I only have 1.
Back on 28th December 1995, my sister Lauren was born prematurely like me however she only lived for 1 day. I would show you a picture but I can't seem to find the book that it's in and come to think about it it would cause distress because you'd see a baby hooked up to a machine full of wires...
My parents told me and Becca when I must have been around 10 years old or a little under, Becca would have been 4 years younger. We were told by Mum and Dad that we have another sister in the family who unfortunately didn't make it like us. On that day when Mum showed me a Baby Record Book (like the one for me and Becca) and told us that a girl was born on 28th December 1995 and was named Lauren.

To this day, it's still tough to cope with and will do forever. People say you should move on and continue to treasure her memory to which I do, but you can't treat her birthday like it's nothing and when she's in my head of course I'll have a hole in my heart and then the following day all will be calm again.
It's hard to explain how reminiscing someone is painful and joyful at the same time whether tears are happy or sad.

Today like every annual 28th December (along with several other days throughout the years) we all head on over to Horsham Cemetery to pay our respect to her. We clear off the autumn leaves on her birthday and remove the small Christmas decorations and tinsel we left for her back in Nov. And also bring new silk bouquets and make sure no fairy statues have been damaged by the seasons. Being in the graveyard is interesting as it makes me question and wonder about death itself, not in a suicidal way (god no) but more of a glimpse into how much longer I will come back here as I grow older and life takes over too, plus what will I do with anyone else who's dear to me and passes on. But theres no need to think like that since we are all living our lives to the fullest and if we feel s**t one day, then the rest can be better.

Sadly today, I've had a lot of anger and hatred in my head and heart. I think it's because this day just gives me a bad vibe but it doesn't mean whenever I think about her then I get mad, it's just hard to accept since she was never really given a chance. But I know tomorrow I'll feel good again as time passes on a little and by New Year's I'll be in great company and won't have any negativity floating around my head.

I regret to admit that I have crossed the line once or twice where I took Lauren's name in vain. With Rebecca, I love her dearly but like every pair of siblings we argue, fight and try to hurt each other and just one time when I had had enough of the arguments or threats we throw at each other. I once said "I wish Lauren was here instead of you!" I know it was wrong and I later apologised to her and Mum made me aware of how wrong it is to think that way, let alone announce it. Of course I still think it sometimes but it all blows over like hot steam since I just want to hurt her as badly or more as she tries to hurt me (but not physically since we hardly fight).

The sad truth always hurts and no matter how much I try to understand and cope, I still feel even worse to learn the truth about what Lauren would be like if she had pulled through back then. According to Mum, if Lauren had survived then she would be severely disabled. I always imagined that she would be more sensible than me or Becca. And this crushes my imagination as to when I always imagined having one of those family portraits where both sisters were on top of me and had me in a painful position in to submission for laughs. Knowing this awful truth just crushes all my hopes and dreams as to wishing she were alive for real.
Fate is cruel and now all I can do is just treasure her memory, tell people I did have another sister and just hope that whatever happens when life ends that if the "Good Book" is correct then I will see her again someday. But it does make me wonder as to how I'll cope when Mum, Dad or even Becca passes on, but then I remember and believe that I'll have a family of my own and will honour their memory as much as I do with Lauren.
This post isn't the nicest to read as I shed a tear writing this up. But I end it knowing that I have released my stress onto this page and feel better about everything and know that "I can't let one sad day make me feel I have a bad life!" and I heard this one from a good friend "Sometimes you have to forget about all the things that are upsetting you, and focus on the things that make you feel happy" of course I won't ever forget her, I just can't let her memory be sad and I reckon over time and thanks to the comfort of my family and friends, it will get easier to deal with.